


Bitch Better Have My Money

by suneye



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Happy, Fluff, Kidnapping, M/M, but everything is okay in the end, crack!fic qualities, friendship!fic qualities, kind-of established relationship, road trip!au qualities, there is also some murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 10:39:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4703000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suneye/pseuds/suneye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Oh yes but what a shame, what a shame the poor bride's groom has been kidnapped by his ex-boyfriend who used to be a cop and is demanding money which they don't have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bitch Better Have My Money

**Author's Note:**

> This is dedicated to Rosa because she is literally responsible for every Gobblepot thing that I have ever written and will continue to write. SO BLAME IT ON HER! (Also this wasn't even beta'd. And don't fool yourself into thinking there is much of a plot. Sorry if I spelled any names wrong too.)

Maronie is angry.

Which, admittedly, is far from a rare thing, but this time it’s different. This time, he’s _pissed as hell_ , and can’t kill anybody in his immediate vicinity to calm down. So he just sits there, staring at the phone on the table, his fists clenched as hard as his teeth, waiting for that person to show up so he can commit the murder after all.

Fish Mooney sits across from him, tapping her foot impatiently.  _She_  doesn't look angry. Just annoyed. Inconvenienced. As if this sort of thing is common.

The phone rings. Maronie flinches violently as a relieved sigh passes through all his (and Fish's) henchmen. Maronie picks up.

"You better be calling to tell me my son is coming back," He growls. "With souvenirs."

"Unfortunately, Don," Comes Gordon's unamused voice. "That isn't going to happen unless you hold up your end of the bargain."

Maronie's hand is shaking with rage. "I  _would_ ," He says. "But you know as well as I do that I _can’t_ , you motherf-"

"Language," Gordon half-chuckles. "Is Mooney there?"

Maronie holds the phone out towards Fish begrudgingly. She puts it up to her ear. "Yes, darling?"

"Mooney." Gordon greets slightly more politely. "Sorry about the wedding."

"Don't apologize to me, honey, apologize to my baby girl."

"In due time, Miss Mooney," Gordon promises. "All in due time. Have you convinced Mr. Maronie to pay the money yet?"

Fish sighs. "How many times do we have to tell you, boy - he don't  _got_  the money."

Gordon tuts. "I strongly suggest he finds a way to get it, Miss Mooney, if he ever wants to see the boy again. Gimme back to him, will ya?"

Fish passes the phone back to Maronie, who grabs it from her roughly (she's not very happy about that) and snaps a very harsh "what?" into the receiver.

"My money, Maroni," Gordon says matter-of-factly, sounding almost bored of the conversation."

"I don't  _have_  money." Maronie all but spits into the phone; Fish makes a disgusted face.

"If you want your little penguin back in one piece," Gordon says threateningly. "I suggest you somehow  _get_  money-"

"Mister Maronie, please!" Oswald's scared, frantic pleas coming from Gordon's side of the phone take Maronie by surprise. "Tell Miss Mooney I-"

A muffled  _thud!_  and Oswald doesn't say anything else. Maronie opens his mouth to yell at Gordon - curse at him in every language he knows (and some he is willing to learn just for this occasion) - but the ex-cop doesn't give him a chance to speak. "You have three hours or I'm gonna start cutting off body parts."

Fish gracefully pushes her chair back just in time to avoid being in the path of the table Maronie flips in frustration. She gets up, pretty much unshaken by the events that just took place, and grabs her purse.

"Guess I'll tell my Liza her dream wedding will have to wait. See you later, Maronie." Halfway to the exit, she turns back to him. "And good luck. He's a good kid. Plus, I don't wanna waste my new black dress at his funeral."

Her men follow her outside, where a smile tugs at the corners of her lips.

*

"How's it goin'?" Jim asks with a knowing smirk.

Oswald rolls his eyes. "I'm  _starving_. And my wrists hurt."

Jim helps him out of the trunk and unties the ropes binding his wrists together, taking his time with each knot. When he's done, he doesn't let go of Oswald's hands.

"I'm sorry," Jim says, and means it. "Couldn't risk getting caught in Gotham. You have to look like a kidnapping victim, remember?"

"Yeah, yeah," Oswald grins at Jim's apologetic expression. "Do we have anything to eat, though?"

"Yeah, these." Selina has snuck up behind them without either of them noticing (which she manages to do quite a lot, if they're being perfectly honest), and now holds out two burgers, which Jim and Oswald take quickly. "There were four. I ate two. How'd it go?"

Jim shrugs. "So far, so good."

Selina leans against the side of the car, her arms crossed, an unsure smile on her face. "You think he'll actually give you the money?" She asks.

Jim looks at Oswald, who is already staring at him with a loving expression on his face. He blushes when Jim catches his eyes and looks down. Jim doesn't look away for a very long time.

"God, I hope not."

*

Maronie paces back and forth in front of his men, the revolver in his hand shaking as he does with rage.

"The whole point of this wedding was so that we could have  _money_  again." Maronie yells. "And since we ain't got no money, one of you better come up with a good plan how to get some. And quick!"

One of his men steps forward. "Well, boss, why not just  _ask_  Falcone for-"

Maronie doesn't even let him finish before pointing the gun straight at his forehead and pulling the trigger. The others stand, frozen in shock, until Maronie throws his pistol on the ground and sighs. "We ask Falcone, he'll kill us all." He explains for the other dim ones. "He'll think we set the whole thing up. Come up with a better plan. And get rid of this body."

"We could rob them...?" Someone says unsurely. Maronie doesn't kill that one.

*

"Word on the street is Maronie's gonna try and rob us."

"Where did- _what_?"

"Just something I heard. Probably nothing to worry about, though."

"Probably. Still, it's better to be safe than sorry. See to it that our vault is protected."

"You got it, Carmine."

"Oh, and Fish?"

"Yes?"

"Sorry about the girl's wedding. I know she was looking forward to it."

"You know what, Carmine? I think she'll be fine."

*

Jim is driving with the radio turned up and one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding Oswald's, who sits in the passenger's seat, staring out the window with a blissful smile on his face. In the backseat, Harvey and Selina are arguing loudly about whose music taste is better as they sip their milkshakes.

Jim's cellphone rings.

He jerks away from Oswald and fumbles for a moment before clicking the answer button and putting it on speaker-phone. Oswald turns the radio off.

"This better be good news." He says in his "Creepy-Jimmy voice" (dubbed so by Harvey and Selina).

"It's me, darling," Fish Mooney's voice is calm. Perhaps she is smirking. Perhaps everything went well. "Just wanted to call to tell you that Don Maronie won't be able to pay you for some time. You see, at the moment, he's a little busy fighting with Don Falcone over some money he just tried to steal."

"So, that means..."

"That means see you when it's all over. Which it might not be, for a while. I'd suggest you lay low."

Oswald smiles nervously. "Everything went according to plan?" He sounds like he can't  _quite_  believe it.

"Yes, honey." Fish says, almost kindly.

"Sorry about the wedding." Harvey puts in. "Must've been expensive."

"Oh please, I'd rather lose a billion dollars than whore off my baby girl to some weak, blabbering idiot with no honor. Oh, no offence, dear."

"None taken, Miss Mooney," Oswald says, and now he can't stop the smile growing on his face (not that he's really  _trying_ , of course). "Thank you for your help."

"Benefitted me. What are you boys going to do now?"

Jim looks at Oswald and smiles. Oswald, caught in his gaze, blushes, but stares right back. (In the back, Harvey rolls his eyes half-heartedly). "I think we're gonna take it slow for a bit," Jim says. "We'll come back to Gotham, eventually. But for now..."

"The countryside sounds good." Oswald finishes for him.

It takes Jim effort to look back at the road to avoid crashing the car.

"Who knows," He bites his lip. "We might even get married.”

Fish scoffs. "Well, have fun, dears. And take care of my little Cat, got it?" She doesn't wait for an answer - just ends the call.

Jim puts his phone down and holds Oswald's hand again.

"You got the rings, Selina?" Harvey asks.

She sighs. "For the thousandth time,  _yes_ , I have the freaking rings. It wasn't my  _first_  jewelry store heist, y'know."

"But it was you  _last_ , right?" Jim says sternly.

"Sure,  _dad_ ," Selina replies sarcastically. "Anyway, thanks for letting me hang with you guys for a bit. Barbara will be out of town for a week so I have nowhere safe to stay.

"And me." Harvey adds. "I would hate to be a murder victim right this moment."

"It's no problem, really," Oswald says, in a voice that is polite, but not overly so - not fake or exaggerated, like it often is when he's talking to people he wants to be underestimated by. "We needed a cottage and a flower girl, didn't we?"

Selina slaps his shoulder. "I am  _not_  your flower girl!"

"Ring-bearer?" Oswald tries.

"Hell no! I'm just there for the free food and the plumbing!"

"Whatever you say." Oswald chuckles and, without giving Jim any time to prepare, places a quick kiss on the side of his mouth. "I love you." He whispers, quietly enough that neither passengers in the backseat can hear and say something witty about it.

Jim pulls the car over for the sole purpose of being able to lean in and full-on kiss his boyfriend while Harvey and Selina groan impatiently.

"I love you too."


End file.
